I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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