she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize