I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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