as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
