you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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