Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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