how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
