he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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