When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
