I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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