Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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