and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
