Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
