I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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