So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize