Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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