So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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