her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
