I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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