Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize