Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
