i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
