Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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