Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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