i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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