history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize