I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Someone signed my nipple.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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