He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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