I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
