I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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