I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Randomize