It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
my poor anus
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
