everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
