Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
