it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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