I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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