We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
