I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
