I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
