if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
