haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
