you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
