Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
