i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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