you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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