yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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