Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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