I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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