If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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