everyone is single if you try hard enough
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize