life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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