ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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