I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Alive.
So much puke
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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