My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
