I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
