Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
