So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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