i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Randomize
