alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
