i think my tv is drunk
i barfeds in our rink
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
