I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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