Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
