dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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