i'm signing you up for texting rehab
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
