I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
another moral hangover. fuck.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
