Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
