I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
