Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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