I'm jealous of your bromance
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
