She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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