Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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