Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
